I need retreat..

I haven't written any blogs lately.. I know that... well, the truth is i don't know what to write.. Or rather, I don't know where to start.. Everything's just....falling apart.. Believe me, I don't want to give up and I Love him so much still.. But I'm scared.. I'm just scared that I'm holding on for the wrong reasons.. I need to think.. But with that, too.. I'm also scared... Scared that I'm just over thinking and before I know it, while I was too busy finding what isn't there, he'll learn to live without me.. I'm hurting.. Right now, I know I am but I'm trying my best just to keep myself together for the final exams at school.. Every single day when I wake up, he's the first person on my mind, I reach out to my phone hoping that as I was sleeping and dreaming of him, he could have sent me a message telling me he misses me and wants me back like before.. And I try so damn hard not to think of it but it's useless 'coz it drowns out everything else out of my mind the rest of the day... I miss him so much.. You know when after you cried so much there's this tightness in your chest that lasts until your breathing steadies and you take a rest.. Imagine feeling that the whole damn day... It sucks.. This sucks... I want to cry it out, hoping it would ease the pain but no tears are coming out and it's getting harder everyday.. I guess even my body gets confused 'coz I want so much to cry out my pain but I also want so much to be strong for my own sake, my pride and dignity 'coz if this falls then I want something left for me.. But nothing's really left of me 'coz everything I gave to him..

So much has been happening, I don't know what to think..I don't even want to think because it doesn't ever end just when I sleep... But before that everything's just running around in my head... From what I'm gonna do to what I'll say when I see you... 'Coz I've been missing you so much and it feels like this is never gonna feel alright until you tell me you want me to never leave your side.. I miss calling you even when I'm busy with something 'coz talking to you takes out the stress in everything I do.. I miss you telling me you love me every 2 seconds 'coz there's nothing to talk about and sometimes we laugh at how silly we are.. But that's one thing different about us and I miss that..

I keep telling myself I'm doing the right thing...for you and for us.. Giving you time to think.. To sort yourself out before your insecurities get between us.. I say this is for the best but why do I get the feeling this is all just useless like I should just stop this nonsense because it's not helping us.. I want so much to talk to you like we used to do when something's wrong we talk about it until it's settled and we'd know what to do so that it won't happen again... Then again, that's the problem because we keep coming back here.. Something's really wrong and what scares me is that we NEVER wanted this to happen, it just does.. like it's a sign that it's not working... this whole relationship is just a temporary madness.. And if that happens I don't know if I can stand it, I don't know what'll happen to me just that it will feel better if someone kills me..

I hope you get to read this so you can understand.. It's not easy for me.. If it's hard for you it's harder for me... Don't go around saying like I never cared because everything I'm doing is for you even if it hurts me as long as it's better for you to be without me so you'll learn to stand up and be yourself more.. So you won't be second guessing if you're good enough for anything or anyone like now and before.. So you'll realize what I saw in you what I loved and still love about you.. What I dream for you and what I'm trying to build with you.. And nothing will come between us..

I'm sorry for everything. for every wrong thing I did to hurt you..For the guys I kept close with even if I knew it was like slapping you.. I guess it's just me trying not to grow up being a bratt and all that.. I'm sorry.. This time, I mean it, and I want you to believe me.. I want you to say that you can learn to trust me like before when it didn't matter who came near me 'coz you were confident that you belong with me.. This is already too long but it's still not enough to explain what I'm feeling and had felt ever since our first meeting.. Anyway, to end this, thank you for everything, thank you for putting up with me and giving me chances I didn't deserve.. All these can be summarized in three words..

I LOVE YOU..
I NEED YOU..



God, if you're there.. I wish I could talk to you.. :( WHAT IS ALL THESE FOR?