ever the same..

..happy that we spent our monthsary together.. BUT...it's not so much fun when he's gonna leave tonight.. :( Cornered by your feelings, crushed with overwhelming emotions you can't control.. a hundred knives piercing through your heart, tears falling like rain from the dark skies consoling you..The night is your solace, sleep is your only retreat from the nightmare that is reality.and morning comes to take you back to what you have to face..THis is me..Every single moment of every goodbye :'(

life happens

..someone told me.. i don't know maybe i read somewhere that you would't feel guilty if you never thought about another person differently in the first place.. I wouldn't say this is confusion...or well, maybe I just won't accept it's confusion :( Why do I have to keep repeating to myself that I love him? that I did nothing wrong.. or doin' rather.. why? doubt? (shit).. maybe im just drunk (haha).. :(

..what i feel..

Well, obviously, something's wrong again today.. I wouldn't be writing if there's nothing wrong.. Urgh.. He just doesn't understand me.. No matter what I do and how obvious I try to make my feelings be known, he just doesn't understand. May be he's just not supposed to understand. Maybe the real problem here is it's just one of those things-women-think-men-should-know-but-they-don't stuff... It's just.....(my favorite word) frustrating.. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh! It's not the fights that I hate.. It's the "after-feelings" I get - tired, bitter, frustrated, TIRED. And not just that, it's the fact that I always get to hate myself after every fight 'coz in the first place, I hate it when we fight. I get all emotional, sad, lonely, overthinking, and I hate that; I hate being vulnerable or feeling like it. It's something I just can't control and I usually suck at handling myself when I'm down. I just want to wallow in my misery and eat myself to sleep.

reality again..

off he goes ...those last few minutes I never want to end.. Those few tears I kept from falling.. that old familiar feeling of bitterness, longing and love all coming at the same time... Again, we're here... We made the most of it, we had fun but reality hit and now we're back to it.. Isn't it funny? you hold on as much as you can.. make as many memories with ever chance you get but when it's over, it all goes down to that one moment..Nothing else matters but that last touch before you let go, the last glance before you turn and that last grasp of breath before you let it sink in..again, you're alone.. No matter how many promises you make and how hard you pretend it doesn't hurt because you know that he'll always be waiting, like you, for the next time you see each other..It's just consolation.. Nothing is certain, nothing is ever really an assurance because anything can happen..and that's what keeps haunting you every minute and every day you don't see him.. It's not trust or the absence of it.. I trust him.. With every feeling I keep... It's fate I don't trust :((

ow sure..

I should've known.. Have you ever felt so stupid expecting something different when you know all the while what will happen? I never ask for anything but understanding.. People look at us and see something different when between us, I get my share of patience and understanding when I'm the one in need of them.. I do every thing as he does.. In our own ways we're fairly even in the relationship, that much I can admit. But sometimes, I just want to feel understood.. That when I'm too hard to handle, he's always gonna be there if just to show me he cares enough to understand.. AFTER ALL, ALL A GIRL ASKS FOR IS THAT..TO BE UNDERSTOOD IN HER MOODS, TANTRUMS, ATTITUDE AND WHATEVER CRAZY THINGS SHE DOES.. 'coz at the end of the day she'll do every thing for that one person who stays no questions asked.. ish... !!!! :( and it felt so great that he was here... So much for a happy goodbye..

everyday

I wake up in the morning and I don't see you here..The first thing in my mind, I wish I'd go back to sleep'coz when I sleep I dream, and I dream of you..It's like you're here and everything seems so true..Baby tell me that you're wishing I was there, too..Coz you're never out of my mind, i'm getting crazy inside and out..without you..I miss you when I'm alone, and I miss you,coz I'm not home.. With you where I'm supposed to be.. I'm here thinking what the hell I'm doing here..Every minute, every second of everyday..I'm wishing I never had to go away.. But well, I'm here and you're there..

can't wait

...Okay, so thanks to AJ I remember i haven't written any blogs for the past n months and well, nothing really happened..well, the semester is almost over... I'm still with him (what's up with that) and well, I'm a little more than a semester away from graduating 2nd year of college.. haha.. Hmmmm.. what to write about... Ohh, and I'm waiting for him.. :) He's on his way and even if I'm kinda mad that doesn't stop my excitement.. Haha.. Gosh I haven't seen him for well, almost a month but it feels like a long long long (not that long) time.. Did anyone feel like this? Like the nearer you get to seeing the person you love, the more you miss them.. It's the anticipation I guess.. Knowing you get to see them again.. Anyway, I don't have any plans yet.. I just want to see him and feel him first..

reality sucks...

It doesn't get any sadder than when your love becomes your weakness.. What do you do when you suddenly realize you're helpless in the relationship.. Patience becomes your best friend and pain is your shadow.. It sucks when you can't help but cry because all the anger and resentment don't have any other way of coming out.. The most painful part is your anger and resentment isn't towards him but to yourself for being in such a situation...

I Love him.. That hasn't changed.. Unfortunately, something else did.. And I'm not really happy about it.. I guess I just don't want IT.. I cry at stupid and silly things... I don't really know why.. I guess sometimes, I just have nothing else to do.. I'm helpless because now I realize that no matter what he does. it will never be enough for me to leave him...Now matter how stupid and frustrated and whatever he makes me feel... it will never be enough reason.. no matter what i do... I felt this then but now, it's like a cloud hanging over my head that I can't ignore.. i HATE THAT. Most of the time I get irritated at small things but I'm not really angry at him.. I'm angry at myself because I'm allowing all these emotions to get to me..

Don't I make myself clear enough?? Is there really something lacking in our communication no matter how hard we try to fill the gaps??.. Why can't he understand?? Why can't he understand me??