FUCKING REALITY!

There are two kinds of people around you. Assholes who will use you and those that will help you. You can choose which one you get to belong to or you can choose to stand on our own two feet and do things on your own terms, help if you can but use if you have to or just to teach the bastards what karma feels like. People keep saying that no man is an island, no man can stand alone.. Well, fuck that.. Even the smallest island doesn't easily if not at all cave when the tide takes on a rampage. Learn not to hear what people say, or even care about what they do because it's your life, and not their business. Putting walls around yourself to keep people out is different from putting up defenses to keep yourself safe. Trusting only in yourself isn't egoism, it's self-preservation. That's the best part of life. Everything is a matter of perspective, and the most important is yours and not anybody else'.. The world is big enough for every body, as long as you have some space to walk through, just keep on walking, if someone gets in the way, get through, over or around, do what you feel you have to do. You will not be helped but you will not be hurt, either. Selfishness can mean independence, skepticism can mean caution, your weakness can become your strength, everything can and will be what you want them to be.. JUST BELIEVE..

insomnia on overdrive

..It's three A.M. and I'm not yet asleep.. I don't really know why..urgh.. :( This time, I don't know what's wrong :( Im hitting rock bottom..at school..even my financial status is so damn depressing (haha!) and added to that is my constant..whatever I keep going at him in the littlest things..I don't even know why I'm mad but I just know I am..Some things I just wanna let out but I don't want him to misunderstand.. I'm seriously getting tired.. of every thing.. We keep going in circles and everytime we hit the bottom, I freak out.. And I hate it.. I don't want things to be this way anymore, I want them to change.. I want him to change and I want that I don't have to want too much from him.. ish!.. Why can't we go though the normal routine like every other couple, I feel like since we met we had to go through too much bullshit.. I know it's mostly our fault (or my fault) but sometimes, I just feel like things aren't fair..here I am again trying to figure things out and wondering why we're here but when I feel like I know why I just don't want to accept what I need to do.. Things become routinary and fall into some circular pattern because we keep doing the same things over and over again.. I know that and if things were to change, we just have to start changing them.. I know that too.. It's just..hard.. I don't even know where to start..Rather, I don't want it to start with me.. I guess, I'm still selfish when it comes too some things :( I want us t have a good future, I really do.. I want us to both finish and have decent jobs (or great ones :) ) but...ish.. I don't want to complain 'coz every time I do I feel like I'm not being fair to him.. I don't wanna blame myself either so..I keep going to the same freaking circumstances... whhhhhhhhhhhhhy!!!!!!!!!! :'( I want to talk to him but i know it's gonna sound like some rerun or a de ja vu of our past conversations, again..back to it again and it just hits home how little things have changed between us.. or with us.. For better or worse, you don't have to be married to promise that to someone. WHen you love someone, that's something you're gonna have to accept and come to terms with, that you love them for every thing they are, everything they aren't and in every damn circumstances you should both be there the whole time whether it makes or breaks the relationship.. 'coz in the end, it's not about who did what or who sacrificed more or gave less, it's always gonna be about the two of you.. not any less.. ish :( It's making things worse that he's not here.. It's different when we're together.. I always feel better when he's with me.. he always makes me feel like every thing will sort itself out and we're gonna be alright.. It's a constant reminder that if we go through things together...It makes it more real that no matter what, we're not gonna cave.. I'm not losing faith, I'm just getting tired :(

..when things go wrong..

..Has anyone ever gotten to a point where getting hurt doesn't...hurt anymore? Well, somehow it still does but the situation being just a repeat makes the pain....bearable..anticipated..whatever.. or maybe it's just something so.... you don't even want to think about it.. He's done it before.. And I feel like it doesn't matter, I just have to get over the hurt...again and things will be fine.. Because there are things that just happen and you can't really do anything about it and if you let it come between you it's just not worth it.. Just like everything else that happened, it's not worth losing a relationship that has gone through a lot of things.. It hurts, you feel stupid but you know you don't have any choice but move on.. The hard part is it's a flaw you just have to overlook.. He's done a lot of good things and some the best that ever happened to me.. losing him over one flaw would be selfish and over righteous of me.. At the end of the day, it's all about which would hurt more.. losing a part of myself, the control I have over the decisions I make or losing him as a part of my life.. He's not perfect but neither am I.. It's a relationship when we can always meet half way, but it't a commitment when we can learn to compromise..