WHEN YOU HIT HER

When you hit her..it is more than the sting on the flesh or the mark that is imprinted.. It affects her in more ways than you could ever understand.. When you hold her a little too tight.. talk to her a little too loud.. or you move a little too sudden..

When you hit her.. You hit her self-esteem.. Her first thought is maybe she went too far..maybe she deserves it.. It will take her time to realize that she doesn't.. no woman does!..

When you hit her, you just said you don't respect her.. If the man she loves doesn't see her enough to treat with respect then maybe she's just not worth it.. Only after then will she realize that the only person not deserving of anything coming from her is you!

When you hit her, you just threw away her trust.. If the man who promised to protect her from anyone and anything is the first to do her harm, she'll only realize she has no one to rely on but herself..

She'll keep her guard up not just from you but from anyone who gets too close.. She will forgive but she will never forget.. She will only expect a next time..

And you can say SORRY, but it will MEAN NOTHING to her!

I'M DONE HERE

EI gave more than you deserved, did more than you returned..
I cried for you, because of you, hurt for you, and I never caved
But all I had all you gave, all that's left is pain..

Ref:
So many nights, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, remembering
All my thoughts, all my dreams disappeared..

Chorus:
StilI I stood my ground, and I was proud
I fought them all, I fought alone..
I stayed strong, but stayed wrong, stayed far too long with you..
It took time to sink in, more time accepting that I never needed you..
I deserve more, so Im out the door
Thank you for everything..
But I'm done here..

I had all reasons to leave,
reasons not to believe ..
Another chance, another dance..
You promised, "last" and I believed you..
But then again, you hit and ran, I knew I couldn't save you..

Bridge:
So before I go, I want you to know.
Im stronger, better, worth so much more..
I needed you, you couldn't tell..
I waited, the last petal fell..
You'll never change..
You'll never change..

Ref:
So many nights, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, remembering
All my thoughts, all my dreams disappeared..

So I'll stand my ground, and I'll be proud
I'll fight this time, fight for my own..
I'll stay strong, won't be wrong, here's my last song for you..
It took time to sink in, more time accepting but I never needed you..
I deserved more, so Im out the door
Thank you for everything..
But I'm done here..

This is it..

..You know it's painful.. you know it will be hard.. You know you have to fight it and you just have to be stronger.. I read a quote once that said, "You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have".. I couldn't agree more.. But I can just add my own words and say that you don't know how much it really hurts until you say it out loud, "It's over".. How can you ever explain to yourself that giving up is the best choice and leaving only shows how strong you are.. I could never admit then, I tried.. OVER and over again.. Mistakes after mistakes I tried to understand, I tried to stand by him and I tried to make it work no matter how painful the fights got, no matter how ignored and unloved I felt. I did my everything I could.. This time, it's beyond my control. A lot has happened since last year and everything went downhill from there.. TRUST ISSUES, INFIDELITY, LIES and COVER-UPS.. They just got too much.. No matter how hard I tried to pretend that nothing's changed.. It only got worse because EVERY THING has changed. It got to a point where I couldn't fool even myself.. I knew why I was mad all the time, I knew the excuses I made when I suddenly got so sensitive but I couldn't pretend anymore. The harder I tried, the more painful it got.. The tighter I held on, the more it slipped from my hand.. IT REALLY WAS OVER.. But how do you start accepting the fact that you've been fighting for a lost cause from the start.. How do you even contemplate that the best thing to do is to just let each other go.. Let each other breathe before every good memory becomes a bitter one and you will only end resenting every thing that you've grown to love because of him.. Four years of what? What happened? I keep trying to give a complete logical explanation, I can't find any because maybe this is where the brain stops and the heart talks.. It isn't about what's logical or rational, it is what you feel that should make you decide.. It doesn't matter that it doesn't make sense all you know is for the first time in a long time, you feel free and you feel happy and you feel loved because for the first time you started loving yourself first, you started loving yourself more.. That's what's most important.. Loving yourself more before anyone else because in the end, that's where you draw your strength..

then again..

..To have someone stomp on your heart just when it's broken to pieces is the worst feeling you could have.. To realize that there are some things you have to handle alone because no matter how hard you try, you could only let out so much and people will never understand the way you want them to.. It's frustrating and just makes you want to give up but you know you can't.. You can't just give up after holding on for too damn long.. So, you're stuck with everything you're feeling, everything you're thinking and the rest of the world goes on.. You wonder if you're ever gonna stop feeling sorry for yourself.. You wonder if it will ever get better.. You wonder if you're gonna be okay the next time it hits you.. Those random moments when it suddenly hits you that maybe, just maybe, you're making the wrong choice and holding on to the wrong person for all the reasons you just think are right.. You panic,  you think back to everything, every experience and every choice you've made looking for a sign.. Just one reassuring sign that somehow, you're doing the right thing.. It might not always be happy and you might get hurt a lot but it's still right, at least eventually, it will get right and you'll be alright.. You drown yourself in pity, you wallow in your misery and you blame the world for being so unfair. You keep wondering why but unfortunately, no one gets to answer for you. You're left having to justify everything and hope that you'll find an answer.. You force yourself to believe there's gonna be an answer because that's the only way you can possibly get through.. You get so close to begging.. for someone, anyone to just make you feel you're not alone.. You break down and still try to pick yourself back up.. You're on the point of wanting to numb yourself from all the pain and yet you still try.. You still try to stay sane when all you want to do is run.. People say it's the same for everyone who get hurt by right then, when you're at your lowest you know that no one can possibly feel the same way you do..

DABDA

..I stare at the blank screen..too afraid to move my fingers..too afraid to think about it.. I dont even know what "it" is.. Im taking things one day at a time.. im trying...trying so hard.. Is this really how it feels?.. Is this really it?  The worst part is I dont know.. Everyday, I wake up and the first thought on my head is "doesn't he really care anymore?".. How do I start to face life without him?.. What should I do? Do I force myself to forget everyrhing? Do I dwell on my anger, bitterness and my resentments?.. Or do I let go of everything and remember that at least I gave everything and at some point, he gave me the happiest moments and the biggest lessons I learned in my life.. Do I love him still? Yes.. And a part of me will always love him.. that much I dont have to hide.. The truth is everything in my life is on hold.. I keep waiting..waiting for some sign..anything that will tell me what I should do next.. because living one day a time will eventually take its toll on me and it wont be enough to get me through..

distance

If there's one thing I've learned from my trip this weekend it's that it never was about the distance.. In any relationship, honesty pays more than anything.. honesty and an open communication...TRUST,, Don't hold anything back, no matter how painful things are getting, you should tell each other every thing because holding something, anything no matter how small will eventually get between you and you will not know what's wrong.. You get hurt and you get distant without knowing why and it will complicate things because you can't tell him why.. It's not putting yourself in the open and making yourself vulnerable, it's being able to say you tried. There'e no point in entering relationship when you are more guarded than a prisoner because you may not be allowing yourself to hurt, you should also realize you are not allowing yourself to be fully loved and to fully love..You might as well not enter a relationship at all because you are just fooling yourself..Half full or half empty is still just that..half.. You can be in each other's company every minute of everyday and still be the most distant couple just because you don't talk and he doesn't know the important things about you just as you don't know the important things even the small details.. Because when your relationship depends on instant messages and phone calls, love will not be enough.. Love is when you look forward to seeing him and feeling him close. Trust is allowing yourself to feel the pain of having to be apart but knowing that the next phone call or the next message is no different than seeing him tell you about his day, how he smiles when he's excited or frowns when he's tired or that you know when he says he's just sitting alone thinking of you because you're that connected, you can describe where he is just as he can because you trust in what he tells you and you know that he feels exactly the same..

..Turning Point..

..honestly, we're at a standoff.. and I don't know what to say or do anymore.. My mind's just shut off.. i'm trying so hard to figure out where I want us to go from here..