then again..

..To have someone stomp on your heart just when it's broken to pieces is the worst feeling you could have.. To realize that there are some things you have to handle alone because no matter how hard you try, you could only let out so much and people will never understand the way you want them to.. It's frustrating and just makes you want to give up but you know you can't.. You can't just give up after holding on for too damn long.. So, you're stuck with everything you're feeling, everything you're thinking and the rest of the world goes on.. You wonder if you're ever gonna stop feeling sorry for yourself.. You wonder if it will ever get better.. You wonder if you're gonna be okay the next time it hits you.. Those random moments when it suddenly hits you that maybe, just maybe, you're making the wrong choice and holding on to the wrong person for all the reasons you just think are right.. You panic,  you think back to everything, every experience and every choice you've made looking for a sign.. Just one reassuring sign that somehow, you're doing the right thing.. It might not always be happy and you might get hurt a lot but it's still right, at least eventually, it will get right and you'll be alright.. You drown yourself in pity, you wallow in your misery and you blame the world for being so unfair. You keep wondering why but unfortunately, no one gets to answer for you. You're left having to justify everything and hope that you'll find an answer.. You force yourself to believe there's gonna be an answer because that's the only way you can possibly get through.. You get so close to begging.. for someone, anyone to just make you feel you're not alone.. You break down and still try to pick yourself back up.. You're on the point of wanting to numb yourself from all the pain and yet you still try.. You still try to stay sane when all you want to do is run.. People say it's the same for everyone who get hurt by right then, when you're at your lowest you know that no one can possibly feel the same way you do..

DABDA

..I stare at the blank screen..too afraid to move my fingers..too afraid to think about it.. I dont even know what "it" is.. Im taking things one day at a time.. im trying...trying so hard.. Is this really how it feels?.. Is this really it?  The worst part is I dont know.. Everyday, I wake up and the first thought on my head is "doesn't he really care anymore?".. How do I start to face life without him?.. What should I do? Do I force myself to forget everyrhing? Do I dwell on my anger, bitterness and my resentments?.. Or do I let go of everything and remember that at least I gave everything and at some point, he gave me the happiest moments and the biggest lessons I learned in my life.. Do I love him still? Yes.. And a part of me will always love him.. that much I dont have to hide.. The truth is everything in my life is on hold.. I keep waiting..waiting for some sign..anything that will tell me what I should do next.. because living one day a time will eventually take its toll on me and it wont be enough to get me through..

distance

If there's one thing I've learned from my trip this weekend it's that it never was about the distance.. In any relationship, honesty pays more than anything.. honesty and an open communication...TRUST,, Don't hold anything back, no matter how painful things are getting, you should tell each other every thing because holding something, anything no matter how small will eventually get between you and you will not know what's wrong.. You get hurt and you get distant without knowing why and it will complicate things because you can't tell him why.. It's not putting yourself in the open and making yourself vulnerable, it's being able to say you tried. There'e no point in entering relationship when you are more guarded than a prisoner because you may not be allowing yourself to hurt, you should also realize you are not allowing yourself to be fully loved and to fully love..You might as well not enter a relationship at all because you are just fooling yourself..Half full or half empty is still just that..half.. You can be in each other's company every minute of everyday and still be the most distant couple just because you don't talk and he doesn't know the important things about you just as you don't know the important things even the small details.. Because when your relationship depends on instant messages and phone calls, love will not be enough.. Love is when you look forward to seeing him and feeling him close. Trust is allowing yourself to feel the pain of having to be apart but knowing that the next phone call or the next message is no different than seeing him tell you about his day, how he smiles when he's excited or frowns when he's tired or that you know when he says he's just sitting alone thinking of you because you're that connected, you can describe where he is just as he can because you trust in what he tells you and you know that he feels exactly the same..

..Turning Point..

..honestly, we're at a standoff.. and I don't know what to say or do anymore.. My mind's just shut off.. i'm trying so hard to figure out where I want us to go from here..

We Tried

We've been here before
 But something's changed 'coz right now we're not fighting anymore 
And I'm just tired of this, 

We promised we'd never give up 
We'd keep the faith when things went wrong 
But things have changed and now 
I'm standing here alone 

Forever's far from where we are 
It's hard to lose what we both found 
We can't give up now 
We CAN make it right this time 
We can't just end things this way 
Find a reason to stay 
We can make it right this time 
We can fight, do we fight 
Or do we say we tried 

WE TRIED..

At this point, I honestly don't know what to do.. I miss him, that much I can admit and it gets harder everyday. But it's not just him I miss..I miss us.. How we were before everything got complicated and we started fighting more than we laughed. Two years and ten months, I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose him. Everything I've done and every decision I made for the past two years had something to do with him. He's not just my boyfriend, he's my best friend more than anything else. He's the only person who knows me inside and out, up to the smallest detail and if I lose that, I don't know how to pick myself back up. It's not just because I got used to him being in my life, but it's mainly because he's been the only one keeping me afloat since I came to Manila to study. Whenever things got too much, I'd go to him to retreat, I went to him for anything and seeing him, thinking about him was my constant reminder that I had to stay on track. It was for us that I wanted to make my life better and be more focused, it was for us and the future we wanted to make together. I know it's classic but I really had (have) a future planned out for us. And I know it's the same with him. So why is this happening? H told me I changed. I don't know what to say to that. I know I did and I could defend that and I could tell him the same but does it really matter anymore? The point here is we just don't understand each other anymore. We're both doing what we can to get through the long distance and it's causing us the relationship. I tried my best and I know he did the same but we kept going in circles and kept hurting each other, it's not me over-thinking anymore. The problem is things don't get settled and forgotten or left behind, things just get set aside and when we fight they all surface and we have to deal with them all over again. We tried to do better, we made a deal not to reopen old wounds but because we kept fighting for the same reasons, that was pointless. No matter how we try and not want to reopen old wounds, when we get cut on the same part, there's really nothing more we could do but accept that things have to change. I had to save what was left of us. If we don't get bitter enough that we won't be able to even talk to each other, if we have enough feelings left to keep our friendship then I can take that. I'm just tired of the hurting and the fighting. :( ..sooner or later, you have to face it. face it and just smile because it happened and when it ends, it doesn't change the fact that at one point in your life you were happy because of it.. concentrate on that.. just that and not the loss, because it's better to have been there than wondering your whole life how it could've felt.. when you're bitter, be proud because you know that you held on because it mattered so much.. you were inspired...stay inspired by it because not having it anymore doesn't mean it never happened

FUCKING REALITY!

There are two kinds of people around you. Assholes who will use you and those that will help you. You can choose which one you get to belong to or you can choose to stand on our own two feet and do things on your own terms, help if you can but use if you have to or just to teach the bastards what karma feels like. People keep saying that no man is an island, no man can stand alone.. Well, fuck that.. Even the smallest island doesn't easily if not at all cave when the tide takes on a rampage. Learn not to hear what people say, or even care about what they do because it's your life, and not their business. Putting walls around yourself to keep people out is different from putting up defenses to keep yourself safe. Trusting only in yourself isn't egoism, it's self-preservation. That's the best part of life. Everything is a matter of perspective, and the most important is yours and not anybody else'.. The world is big enough for every body, as long as you have some space to walk through, just keep on walking, if someone gets in the way, get through, over or around, do what you feel you have to do. You will not be helped but you will not be hurt, either. Selfishness can mean independence, skepticism can mean caution, your weakness can become your strength, everything can and will be what you want them to be.. JUST BELIEVE..

insomnia on overdrive

..It's three A.M. and I'm not yet asleep.. I don't really know why..urgh.. :( This time, I don't know what's wrong :( Im hitting rock bottom..at school..even my financial status is so damn depressing (haha!) and added to that is my constant..whatever I keep going at him in the littlest things..I don't even know why I'm mad but I just know I am..Some things I just wanna let out but I don't want him to misunderstand.. I'm seriously getting tired.. of every thing.. We keep going in circles and everytime we hit the bottom, I freak out.. And I hate it.. I don't want things to be this way anymore, I want them to change.. I want him to change and I want that I don't have to want too much from him.. ish!.. Why can't we go though the normal routine like every other couple, I feel like since we met we had to go through too much bullshit.. I know it's mostly our fault (or my fault) but sometimes, I just feel like things aren't fair..here I am again trying to figure things out and wondering why we're here but when I feel like I know why I just don't want to accept what I need to do.. Things become routinary and fall into some circular pattern because we keep doing the same things over and over again.. I know that and if things were to change, we just have to start changing them.. I know that too.. It's just..hard.. I don't even know where to start..Rather, I don't want it to start with me.. I guess, I'm still selfish when it comes too some things :( I want us t have a good future, I really do.. I want us to both finish and have decent jobs (or great ones :) ) but...ish.. I don't want to complain 'coz every time I do I feel like I'm not being fair to him.. I don't wanna blame myself either so..I keep going to the same freaking circumstances... whhhhhhhhhhhhhy!!!!!!!!!! :'( I want to talk to him but i know it's gonna sound like some rerun or a de ja vu of our past conversations, again..back to it again and it just hits home how little things have changed between us.. or with us.. For better or worse, you don't have to be married to promise that to someone. WHen you love someone, that's something you're gonna have to accept and come to terms with, that you love them for every thing they are, everything they aren't and in every damn circumstances you should both be there the whole time whether it makes or breaks the relationship.. 'coz in the end, it's not about who did what or who sacrificed more or gave less, it's always gonna be about the two of you.. not any less.. ish :( It's making things worse that he's not here.. It's different when we're together.. I always feel better when he's with me.. he always makes me feel like every thing will sort itself out and we're gonna be alright.. It's a constant reminder that if we go through things together...It makes it more real that no matter what, we're not gonna cave.. I'm not losing faith, I'm just getting tired :(

..when things go wrong..

..Has anyone ever gotten to a point where getting hurt doesn't...hurt anymore? Well, somehow it still does but the situation being just a repeat makes the pain....bearable..anticipated..whatever.. or maybe it's just something so.... you don't even want to think about it.. He's done it before.. And I feel like it doesn't matter, I just have to get over the hurt...again and things will be fine.. Because there are things that just happen and you can't really do anything about it and if you let it come between you it's just not worth it.. Just like everything else that happened, it's not worth losing a relationship that has gone through a lot of things.. It hurts, you feel stupid but you know you don't have any choice but move on.. The hard part is it's a flaw you just have to overlook.. He's done a lot of good things and some the best that ever happened to me.. losing him over one flaw would be selfish and over righteous of me.. At the end of the day, it's all about which would hurt more.. losing a part of myself, the control I have over the decisions I make or losing him as a part of my life.. He's not perfect but neither am I.. It's a relationship when we can always meet half way, but it't a commitment when we can learn to compromise..