insomnia on overdrive

..It's three A.M. and I'm not yet asleep.. I don't really know why..urgh.. :( This time, I don't know what's wrong :( Im hitting rock bottom..at school..even my financial status is so damn depressing (haha!) and added to that is my constant..whatever I keep going at him in the littlest things..I don't even know why I'm mad but I just know I am..Some things I just wanna let out but I don't want him to misunderstand.. I'm seriously getting tired.. of every thing.. We keep going in circles and everytime we hit the bottom, I freak out.. And I hate it.. I don't want things to be this way anymore, I want them to change.. I want him to change and I want that I don't have to want too much from him.. ish!.. Why can't we go though the normal routine like every other couple, I feel like since we met we had to go through too much bullshit.. I know it's mostly our fault (or my fault) but sometimes, I just feel like things aren't fair..here I am again trying to figure things out and wondering why we're here but when I feel like I know why I just don't want to accept what I need to do.. Things become routinary and fall into some circular pattern because we keep doing the same things over and over again.. I know that and if things were to change, we just have to start changing them.. I know that too.. It's just..hard.. I don't even know where to start..Rather, I don't want it to start with me.. I guess, I'm still selfish when it comes too some things :( I want us t have a good future, I really do.. I want us to both finish and have decent jobs (or great ones :) ) but...ish.. I don't want to complain 'coz every time I do I feel like I'm not being fair to him.. I don't wanna blame myself either so..I keep going to the same freaking circumstances... whhhhhhhhhhhhhy!!!!!!!!!! :'( I want to talk to him but i know it's gonna sound like some rerun or a de ja vu of our past conversations, again..back to it again and it just hits home how little things have changed between us.. or with us.. For better or worse, you don't have to be married to promise that to someone. WHen you love someone, that's something you're gonna have to accept and come to terms with, that you love them for every thing they are, everything they aren't and in every damn circumstances you should both be there the whole time whether it makes or breaks the relationship.. 'coz in the end, it's not about who did what or who sacrificed more or gave less, it's always gonna be about the two of you.. not any less.. ish :( It's making things worse that he's not here.. It's different when we're together.. I always feel better when he's with me.. he always makes me feel like every thing will sort itself out and we're gonna be alright.. It's a constant reminder that if we go through things together...It makes it more real that no matter what, we're not gonna cave.. I'm not losing faith, I'm just getting tired :(